School Lunch…Daddy Style

*This event takes place several years ago, as many of my stories do.*

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, The Man assembled The Kid’s lunch. I would say he “made” her lunch, but as you will see, there was really no “making” going on. This was The Man’s first attempt at lunchtime nutrition for The Kid.

When I make her lunch she is limited to 1 treat per lunch.

I always include some sort of main dish, usually a bagel, or a sandwich with The Kid’s must-have ingredients of spinach and onions. If a sandwich lacks the crucial ingredients of spinach and onions, she can’t even get it to her lips.

Yes, I once provided her with a moldy bagel. It was hard to tell because it was a blueberry one and the blueish flecks looked like food coloring to me.

She ate half of it anyway and brought the rest home to show me the mold, saying “Even though it was moldy I ate half of it.”

*Cue grossed out, gagging look from me.*

Seeing the look of horror on my face, The Kid defensively replied, “Well, it still tasted good!”

I only stock plain bagels now.

The mold is easier to detect.

I felt really bad about the bagel, at first. My mom guilt is alleviated by the fact that she obviously has the taste buds of a 9 year old…or a cockroach. Now, I am fully vindicated by today’s lunch. Because…

Today’s noontime meal did not follow my standard nutritional guidelines. It consisted of:
1 Juice box – 100% juice
2 Granola Bars – S’more flavored with chocolate chips and marshmallows
2 Ginger Snap cookies – The groady, hard as nails, store bought kind. Yuck.
2 Red Gobstoppers
2 Yellow Gobstoppers
3 Green Gobstoppers*

There was a distinct lack of anything representing a victual.

The Gobstoppers were neatly protected in a plastic sandwich bag. At least it was hygienic.

*For those not in the know, Gobstoppers are kind of like jaw breakers. They are made by Willy Wonka, but don’t be fooled. They aren’t as “everlasting” as they say on the box. That would not be physically possible.

The Man went the extra mile on treats. Today her lunch had **11** of them! ONE THOUSAND PERCENT EXTRA!

One thousand percent should not be physically possible. That means 1,000 out of every 100. That’s like saying, “Ten out of six dentists recommend ingesting pure sugar at meal time.”

The Man did it anyway. He did the impossible. Chalk it up as a Chuck Norris moment.

The lunch had no sign of a sandwich or even a moldy bagel to actually fill up on.

It appeared her main dish was Gobstoppers.

When I inquired about the lack of sandwich, The Kid explained. “We’re out of spinach and onions.”

Me, understanding her plight, “Well then. I guess you can’t have a sandwich.” After all, a sandwich without spinach and onions isn’t really a sandwich.

Being incapable of letting my precious flower take such a cavity-fortifying meal to school, however, I pointed at the bag of Gobstoppers and calmly asked, “Do you think this is a healthy lunch?”

She looked at me for a minute. Then, getting the point of my words, she went to the fridge, rummaged around for a bit, and retrieved a mandarin orange lunch cup from the crisper drawer.

The Kid’s sparkle eyes looked up at me as she put it in her lunch bag. Her expression clearly declared, “There. It’s healthy.”

I let her take it to school.

Hey, at least it wasn’t moldy.

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