Chai Tea Latte Without That Sinful Aftertaste

I am about to change all of your lives for the better.

Unless you’re:
A. Not in super love with Chai Tea Lattes

I don’t know why you wouldn’t be…but whatever. I realize some people out there are ambivalent about guacamole. The existence of such people only make it so there’s more guacamole for the rest of us, though…so I try not to judge too harshly about their lack of ability to appreciate the pure joy of angel tears raining down on you like unadulterated bliss descending from the heavens.

Seriously, those people need help. They live empty lives.

Empty.

Lives.

B. Not LDS/Mormon so you don’t give a crap about whether The Baby Jesus wants you to drink Chai Tea Lattes. (Spoiler alert for non-Mormons – He doesn’t.)

C. Rich, so you don’t have any qualms about paying FIVE FRICKIN DOLLARS for the heavenly nectar that is a Chai Tea Latte.

As I am in a serious and committed relationship with Chai Tea Lattes and, (usually…mostly…kinda), trying to live like a virtuous and faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, while also living in a constant state of “Hey! Don’t buy stuff because of YOU HAVE ZERO MONEY!”….I have been looking for ways to imbibe in cheaper, less hell-damning ways, than going to Starbucks and paying half my daily food budget on their ridiculously delicious Chai Tea Latte.

(Starbucks – If you see this, feel free to give me free Chai Tea Lattes for a year. Or a lifetime. I won’t complain.)

I scoured the Internets. Yes. ALL of them. (Even the crappy Bing one.)

I came up with this recipe. The main steps are in bold. Helpful follow-up hints, so you make correct life choices, stalk the bolded main step bits. You’re welcome.

Take 1 1/2 cups of milk and put it in a saucepan.
It can be the cow kind or vanilla almond milk kind. (You could also use soy milk….but I have never understood how the crap you milk a soy…so I don’t drink that stuff.)

Add 1/2 cup of water to the milk in the saucepan.
You can add a different ratio of milk to water, just make sure it equals 2 cups in the end. I like this ratio because it isn’t too watery or too milky.

Please make sure it’s either filtered water or you’ve replaced the water hose in your fridge. Because perhaps the last time you cleaned your fridge you noticed there was this grey funk grossing in the fridge water hose… and you haven’t used fridge water or ice ever since because you don’t want to get Infectious Ebola Hepatitis.

Get two herbal Chai Tea bags and put them in the saucepan.
I recommend tying the tea bag strings to the handle of your pan so they don’t accidentally fall all the way in and then you’ve got to pick pieces of string and paper out of you tea…because you didn’t notice they fell in until the very end and the paper disintegrated and, while it didn’t really affect the flavor of you tea, it did cause an unpleasing texture of ripped up paper to occur…which is less palate-ially satisfying than, you know..NOT having tiny bits of paper mixed in with your tea.

Heat up the milk, water, and tea bags until it starts to simmer.
Remember to stir it the whole dang time or you’ll have scalded milk on the bottom and you’ll basically hate your whole life and the bliss you might have enjoyed had you followed my detailed instructions will burn to the pan bottom as well.

Add in 2 spoonfuls of Sugar In The Raw… or regular white granulated sugar if you’re not feeling pretentious.
I usually feel pretentious when I drink Chai Tea Lattes, so I use Sugar In The Raw. Also I like the idea of having special sugar for my tea because it makes the whole thing seem more high class than heating up milk, water, tea bags, and sugar on a stove-top. If you don’t want that much sugar in there, then don’t add that much. Keep tasting it and only put in what you want. If you put in too much sugar it’ll taste like the milk you have left at the bottom of your cereal bowl after you’ve eaten a nutritious breakfast of only the marshmallow parts of Lucky Charms.

What I’m saying is, it’ll be really sugary and gross. Proceed with caution and figure out how much you prefer.

Lower the heat so it’s only simmering and simmer for about 4 minutes so the tea bags get that maximum steeping action they like so much.
Don’t stress if your tea bags rip and you have some tea particles floating around in your pan. No one actually cares. It won’t affect the end result. I know this because I almost always burst a bag and I’ve come to the point where I’ve decided it’s an artistic chef type of life choice and not me messing up.

When it’s all steepy and delicious, remove the tea bags and pour the mix into your blender. Blend on high until frothy goodness takes place.
If you’ve tied your tea bags to the handle of your saucepan, they won’t fall into the blender when you pour the tea into it. That’s a good thing. If you haven’t tied your tea bags to the handle, make sure you remove them either before you blend, or before you pour into the blender. Or you can go bold and blend the bags with the tea. That’s kind of weird, but it would make for an interesting texture, and I’m sure it would add in some extra healthful fiber.

Drink the hell out of it while you enjoy the angelic choirs and effulgent beams of celestial light glistening off your super cheap, gospel approved, cup of Chai Tea Latte.
Yes. I realize the picture isn’t of a full cup. I couldn’t wait long enough to take a picture before drinking it. That’s how deeply impatient my love is for Chai Tea Lattes.

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